I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Bring together things that have not yet been brought together and did not seem predisposed to be so.

Do you love me, Rain?""More than I knew it was possible to love. All the stars will fall from the heavens before I ever stop.

We are never so defensless against suffering as when we love.

There are no outdoor sports as graceful as throwing stones at a dictatorship.

I see that the flagpole still stands. Have your troops hoist the colors to its peak, and let no enemy ever haul them down.

It is my experience that if a person practices self discovery with intent, they will be successful. Success is an outer sign that they are channeling energy correctly.

I think, as a professional courtesy, when the president asks you to dinner, you go.

In the original novel [ Anthem], the story unfolds in the mind of a single character. Maybe that's why Ayn Rand called the work a poem.

The bar exam's a mother. I mean, for me it was. I failed it the first two times, but I guess it's like losing your virginity, third time's the charm.

That whisper you keep hearing is the universe trying to get your attention.