I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

Getting something and having the wits to use it...those are two different things.

I don't have friends. Before I can't without friends.

A true love is not shouting and yelling for your beloved, but silently struggling for her honor

NASA asked me to create meals for the space shuttle. Thai chicken was the favorite. I flew in a fake space shuttle, but I have no desire to go into space after seeing the toilet.

What doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.

All political power comes from the barrel of a gun. The communist party must command all the guns, that way, no guns can ever be used to command the party.

The saddest sight these days is the image of hundreds of thousands of children kidnapped and lured into being child soldiers from the age of eight.

Kids can still call me Shaq, but adults should call me Dr. O'Neal.

To love our nothingness we must love everything in us that the proud man loves when he loves himself. But we must love it all for exactly the opposite reason.

I am going to judge my circumstances by Jesus’ love, not Jesus’ love by my circumstances.