I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.

Love in fools is better than hate in the wise.

Thoughts like weeds will grow automatically unless we train them according to our choice. Thoughts gravitate according to what’s happening around us.

Mum always says the right thing. She always makes everything better.

There is no heaven, there is no hell, except here on Earth.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

Social media has allowed people to ramp up their personal attacks on people in the public eye - because there is a sense they can do it anonymously.

You have to let the past successes go, or you'll never be able to see anew.

There is no greater disaster than discontent.