I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

It takes the wool from your eyes about how the world works, to show you that nothing's necessarily fair, and that you might have a hard life.

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

When things are easy, I hate it.

I want to die while you love me, While yet you hold me fair, While laughter lies upon my lips, And lights are in my hair.

There are still some terrible cliches in the presentation of Indian fiction. The lotus flower. The hennaed hands. In mainland Europe, people still slap these images on my books and I go bananas.

Divine right of kings means the divine right of anyone who can get uppermost.

As long as you tithe you cannot be greedy or needy.

Only for practical reasons. To find out if I said something stupid in an interview. So I can limit the damage.

Just to be on set with Amy Poehler, who's one of my heroes, was a total dream come true.

Ten thousand saw I at a glance, tossing their heads in sprightly dance.