I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

Without Ruth’s partnership and encouragement over the years, my own work would have been impossible. We were called by God as a team.

I am a spinner of yarns

I just love the whole idea of conversational prints.

I come from a world where accountability and accomplishments matter, and where titles and rhetoric take a back seat to results.

Fear first created the gods.

God will pardon: That's His business.

I’m gonna whup whoever stole my bike!

Look, 85% percent of Democrats think the economy's fine. What does that tell you about these people?