I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Don't compare yourself with someone else's version of happy or thin. Accepting yourself burns the most calories.

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.

I always feel slightly sorry to be the voice of whatever I'm experiencing.

I'd like a pop-up magazine with 45 articles on Russell Crowe. I'm like a teenager. I'd have 'Teen Beat' if I could, for grown-ups.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

I grew up thinking that if I wanted to go be prime minister, I could.

I always like to think I'm having a dinner party, and I'm the host, and the audience are my guests.

I was just the youngest in the family, and most in desperate need of attention.

Hell is having arms but no-one to embrace.

I won't eat anything green.

What is beauty? Is it the way her body's shaped, or the way she's dressed? But if the whole world was blind, how many people would you impress?

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

The danger is different from the fear. ... [practice] what to do if things go wrong, as well as right.

Most seafoods should be simply threatened with heat and then celebrated with joy.

It was the highlight of my life being in the Mae West show, because I saw and did things I never had before.

I think I'm in the majority of Americans. I believe that I am in the mainstream of middle America.

I'm not a body with a soul, I'm a soul that has a visible part called the body

I count myself in nothing else so happy as in a soul remembering my good Friends