I always feel slightly sorry to be the voice of whatever I'm experiencing.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Don't compare yourself with someone else's version of happy or thin. Accepting yourself burns the most calories.

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

I'd like a pop-up magazine with 45 articles on Russell Crowe. I'm like a teenager. I'd have 'Teen Beat' if I could, for grown-ups.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

I grew up thinking that if I wanted to go be prime minister, I could.

I always like to think I'm having a dinner party, and I'm the host, and the audience are my guests.

I was just the youngest in the family, and most in desperate need of attention.

Light is invisible until it strikes an object. So is your love until you share it.

God wants us to be significant

The government sets targets for increased four-year high school graduation rates as part of its agenda for improving Americans' health.

Nothing sickens me more than the closed door of a library.

I was not put here to be a background character in someone else's movie!

If you think about it, the historian's task is like that of the detective.

To read is to let someone else work for you - the most delicate form of exploitation.

A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them as charming little 'personal characteristics.'

When everyone is included, everyone wins.

Like my sister, 981 women die every day on Earth from pregnancy and birth-related complications.