I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Men do not know what they do not know, and women should not tell them.

You're not allowed to have legs and not use them.Dance.

If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute, ' I say, w

Stop whining; start enjoying. And when you look back at the past, make sure you're smiling.

I was not put here to be a background character in someone else's movie!

Women can less easily surmount their coquetry than their passions.

I try to contrast; life today is full of contrast... We have to change.

The entire United States is within range of our nuclear weapons, and a nuclear button is always on my desk. This is reality, not a threat.

The tendency when you dictate is to overwrite, because you're not counting pages, you don't really know what the hell the page count is.

What you are looking to create is a positive, happy life: the more you intend that your thoughts are positive and happy, the more that is what you will create.