Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

GOOD IDEAS ALTER THE BALANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS. THAT IS WHY GOOD IDEAS ARE ALWAYS INITIALLY RESISTED.

Stop telling such outlandish tales. Stop turning minnows into whales.

Just because I do what I do doesn't mean I escaped adolescence, all the bumps and bruises that go along with it.

Be yourself is all that you can do.

It is not the number of facts he knows, but how much of a fact he is himself, that proves the man.

Ignorance makes most men go into a political party, and shame keeps them from getting out of it.

In a society that judges self-worth on productivity, it's no wonder we fall prey to the misconception that the more we do, the more we're worth

George,” said Fred, “I think we’ve outgrown full-time education.” “Yeah, I’ve been feeling that way myself,” said George lightly.

I would rather be tough on myself than have other people be tough on me.

Hunting, fishing, and trapping is literally perfect. It's the perfect system by which to balance and ground the animal populations for next year's productivity.