I feel bad for young people. The 20s are a nightmare also. The 20s are hard to do.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

In order to write the book you want to write, in the end you have to become the person you need to become to write that book.

Hope is the last thing that dies.Maybe because hope is one of those dratted things that is truly, honestly, genuinely immortal.

Anticipating that most poetry will be worse than carrying heavy luggage through O'Hare Airport, the public, to its loss, reads very little of it.

Any time you're working in the world of taming animals, you're going to get hurt. But it's a rush that we get.

I'll find something in what I read that snags my imagination in emotional terms; it resonates with me for reasons more complicated than just that it seems like it would make a good story.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

When a kid plays football before he attends a class, something is wrong.

I've been playing a guitar since I was 10 years old.

I'm not handsome enough to be James Bond. Maybe a villain, though.

The need to let suffering speak is a condition of all truth. For suffering is objectivity that weighs upon the subject