I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Stay rooted in the word of God and prayer.

An aunt is a safe haven for a child. Someone who will keep your secrets and is always on your side.

Eliminate the overwhelming cost of phantom wars and fools' errands, and humankind might begin to balance its books. After all, its only debts are to itself.

It is up to God to take revenge. Only God can judge. I don't have to worry about getting even with anybody or taking out any kind of aggression on anybody. Doing that is a weakness, anyway.

Hardships can harden even the best person.

C++ is my favorite garbage collected language because it generates so little garbage

None meet life honestly and few heroically.

Women have invented nothing in all that, except the men who were born as male babies and grew up to be men big enough to be killed fighting.

One reason you are stricken when your parents die is that the audience you've been aiming at all your life - shocking it, pleasing it - has suddenly left the theater.

I think what we've experienced in the past is that people do like to be challenged.