I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

Allah causes the night and the day to succeed each other. Truly, in these things is indeed a lesson for those who have insight.

Our enemy attacks the conscience little by little seeking to wear us down and then wears out a leader's resolve to fight the good fight.

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

A book is like a child: it is easier to bring it into the world than to control it when it is launched there.

This isn't the first time the world has come to an end, and it won't be the last either.

The rule of law should be respected so that the basic structure of our democracy is maintained and further strengthened.

Hitting the ball is the fun part of it, but the fewer times you hit the ball the more fun you have.

AI is a bridge between art and science.

Just because you don't see me doesn't mean I wasn't there

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.