My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

You must learn to end the wars in your world by ending them in your minds.

Conscience is our wisest counselor and teacher, our most faithful and most patient friend.

There had always been black people in and out of our house, and from the outset I had been taught that for them life was defined by struggle and filled with injustice.

It isn't work that makes you tired, it's your mental attitude.

You can't think. You just have to do things.

The Greeks have snatched up their spears. They have pointed the helms of their ships Toward the bulwarks of Troy.

There’s a massive glitter ball in my head and it has never stopped turning

Books bear him up a while, and make him try to swim with bladders of philosophy.

Seventeen hundred and fifty-five. Georgius Secundus was then alive,-- Snuffy old drone from the German hive.

Tutors should behave reverently before their pupils.