I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Holding my hands in his, David kissed my knuckles before he swore to me, “I will love every day of the rest of my life.

If you forget who you've become remember who you are

I'm lucky my wife is a strong woman. She's one of the stronger people I've ever met. It's hard for me to be away, but I know my home life is fine because my wife is there.

I have a 13-year-old daughter who rents these bloody horror movies, and I can't even walk into the room when she's watching them with her friends.

The reader deserves an honest opinion. If he doesn't deserve it, give it to him anyhow.

I think a lot of people take a scholarly approach where they feel like you're supposed to study things that depress you.

I remember taking mushrooms at the wrap party, it was like the first and last time I took that.

We can better see what we don't have. The other man's grass is always greener and now we can actually go and visit his grass much more and feel the absence of green in our own lives.

Certainly, the Hollywood cinema, there's almost nothing of interest coming out of there.

If the rich could hire others to die for them we, the poor, would all make a nice living.