Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Make no mistake, those who write long books have nothing to say.Of course those who write short books have even less to say.

...I've never really had a party before.""Why did you have one now?" I say, just to keep him talking.He gives a half laugh. "I thought if I had a party, you would come.

i have to love myself more than i love him, in order to leave him.

I think when you’re dying you start looking for important things in the corners. You can’t let anything that seems even semi-important pass, because it passes forever. Things take on meaning.

Shyness is a curious thing, because, like quicksand, it can strike people at any time, and also, like quicksand, it usually makes its victims look down.

The flaw in the pluralist heaven is that the heavenly chorus sings with a strong upper-class accent.

Complete masculinity and stupidity are often indistinguishable.

I usually don't know how to fight hard for roles. I've certainly sent a passionate letter or two... which always leads nowhere.

I get pretty attached to the majority of the characters I play. I can't help myself.

People may fail many times, but they become failures only when they begin to blame someone else. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.