Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Stop giving your life away to other people.

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

Cease to sin, because you will not meet Allah with anything [as valuable] as few sins.

Leaders of nations, and people whose wealth or fame gives them power over the lives of others quite often do more harm than good.

Product procedure...must securely protect the crown jewels, but, equally important, it must eschew building high fences around the garbage cans.

Any entity – no matter how many tentacles it has – has a soul.

I was wearing women's jeans way before it was cool for guys to wear them. I have a weird torso - it's incredibly short, and only girl-pants fit me properly.

None of this is truly happening," he said to Shadow. He sounded miserable. "It's all in your head. Best not to think of it.

The Ventoux is a god of Evil, to which sacrifices must be made. It never forgives weakness and extracts an unfair tribute of suffering.

But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.