Fortunately, I've never had a job

If you forget the words to your own song, you can always claim artistic license. Forget the words to the national anthem and you're screwed.

That's right, you're not from Texas. But Texas wants you anyways.

If it's not too late, make it a cheese-burger

What would we do if we didn't try? We have to try.

You don't have to have anything in common with people you've known since you were five. With old friends, you've got your whole life in common.

Barbecue sauce is like a beautiful woman. If it's too sweet, it's bound to be hiding something.

Home is where my horse is.

When you have a solid upbringing and a strong sense of place, that sustains you. My sense of home never leaves me.

You can't second-guess your audience. You can only do what you think is right. If you do that, your audience will appreciate you.

Man, I need to impress her, cause I'd like to undress her.

Laugh every day for five minutes, without any reason, then repeat it for 21 days straight and it will become your habit to do.

Some people hate people who are overconfident, only because their overconfidence reminds them of their underconfidence.

The more wishes you have

You said I am a good man," he said. "But I am not that good a man. And I am--I am catastrophically in love with you.

A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.

...science is confirming what we know in our hearts: that, as psychiatrist James Gordon put it," massage is medicine."

Entertainment is not politically neutral.

My knives are like a tongue - I love, I do not love, I hate. If you don’t love me, I am ready to attack. I am a double-edged knife.

I don't really celebrate fame because I get enough attention.

It's possible to climb to the top without stomping on other people.