Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Poor people, people of color - especially are much more likely to be found in prison than in institutions of higher education.

Down time is where we become ourselves... a hiatus that passes for boredom but is really the quiet moving of the wheels inside that fuel creativity.

A woman shouldn't heckle. In the public eye, you have to represent not only you but your spouse, too. You have to be a lady. She just has to sit there, clap, and look pretty.

A loose horse is any horse sensible enough to get rid of its rider at an early stage and carry on unencumbered.

The function of art is to free the spirit of man and to invigorate and enlarge his vision.

I often play women who are not essentially good or likable, and I often go through a stage where I hate them. Then I end up loving and defending them.

Not until my middle thirties did I consider myself a novelist.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Cheating is baseball's oldest profession. No other game is so rich in skullduggery, so suited to it or so proud of it.

Only he, who penetrates into the depth of the game, can express his personality in it.