Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Love is relative to the moment.

sometimes try not to judge, not to think ...& let the situation speak because wisdom lies there.

If you don't feel you have something to prove every day, you'll never improve

they who are not fastidious as to the means, seldom fail of securing the result they aim at.

I've learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate. And I'm not all about frequency - I favor intensity.

Cleveland fans are awesome.

The best thing about fear is that it provides a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate courage.

Experiencing deep sadness can, sometimes, heighten your ability to feel joy.

I was prepared for the theatre, but not for the nuts and bolts.

Literature transforms and intensifies ordinary language, deviates systematically from everyday speech.