Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Few men want to achieve greatness for humanity, thought Jeffrey. What better person is there to work for?

Gorgeous, ” he murmured.She chuckled. “Think you’l say that in five months or so? When I waddle like a duck and you have to tie my shoes for me?”“I’l say it then and forever.

Yeah, September 11 happened and all my friends were like, 'Let's join the military!' and I was the only one who actually did.

I decided that my existence would be one of books and silence.

Once a year go somewhere you have never been before.

I'm not exactly sure where we are, but I'm confident of where we're not.

Reviews are great. I can read negative reviews and say, You know that point they made... they were dead on.

Living inside the shuttle was a little like camping out. We ended up sleeping in our seats. You had to pay attention to housekeeping, not get things too dirty.

It's the lie of evolution that all man are just evolved and that they're all equal, and that all creatures are equal.

I used to do puppet theatre and also mime and musical theatre in Florida for competitions and festivals, which was great. I was very much involved in theatre when I was in college.