Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

You have to cross many bridges and you have to walk many paths in your life! But what is more important than this is to know which bridges you should not cross and which paths you must not walk!

If one has never known freedom, it is easy to be blind to the gridirons composing one's cell.

My mom loved rock 'n roll. My father hated it. We couldn't play it when he was around.

It does not demean men to want to be what they imagine the wolf to be, but it does demean them to kill the animal for it.

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

I don't collaborate. You're born alone, you die alone, you get on stage alone.

Most companies spend all their time looking for another management concept and very little time following up the one they have just taught their managers.

The stars are not afraid to appear like fireflies.

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.

Virtue itself scapes not calumnious strokes.