Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

And remember, it truly is a great Life

Be positive at every moment of life. See the good things in every situation and learn from them

Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim earned in the blood of his followers and the sacrifices of his friends.

The fact that few painter-fine-artists used photography in their work made it appealing.

My mother was in advertising and worked incredibly hard when she was bringing us up. She was a working mother and a working single parent. That instills in you a sense of determination.

I got a lot happening, a whole lot, and it's not always easy being me.

There are the terrible ones who carry about in themselves the beast of prey, and have no choice except lusts or self-laceration. And even their lusts are self-laceration.

I am a part of all that I have met. Yet, experience is an arch wherethro gleams that untravl'd world whose margin fades forever and forever when I move.

I knew one hundred little things about Noah Shaw but when he kissed me I couldn't remember my own name.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?