Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Nature's silence is its one remark, and every flake of world is a chip off that old mute and immutable block.

To deny access to translation and interpreting services oppresses human rights and violates laws.

There are as many paths to Truth as there are souls of men.

When we begin to see our differences as opportunities rather than threats, then we can work together.

Until the great mass of the people shall be filled with the sense of responsibility for each other's welfare social justice can never be attained.

What I work hard at doing is staying on a path of being kind and showing and proving that I'm a good person to society. That's hard. The talent, that's a gift. I just came here like that.

It's definitely like being in some weird sorority. I'm friends with a lot of actresses, but my 'SNL' friends are my closest.

A clever arrangement of bad eggs will never make a good omelet.

Prayer is the only means of bringing about orderliness and peace and repose in our daily acts.

Pleasure that is obtained by unreasonable and unsuitable cost must always end in pain.