Bill O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity are the Mount Rushmore of keeping old people angry.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

A man's as miserable as he thinks he is.

People are simply incapable of prolonged, sustained goodness.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

The influence of blogging is overall a very positive force in the media.

It makes you a better person to know where you came from, because whereever you go, there is somebody in some town, city, hamlet, whatever, that has the same dreams you have.

Some songs you get. Some songs you may not. And I think that's the beauty of art: to question and to ask, to understand the deeper meaning after two or three or four listenings.

Breathing determines emotion. Emotion determines breathing.

I eat whatever I want, junk food included.

Eat... to live, and do not live to eat.