People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame.

The price you have to pay to be great at something - is repetition.

Fear is Torment. The one who fears is not build to LOVE. The one who loves is made free off fear. The perfect love ousts all fear.

A goddess does not need to eat and does so only for her pleasure.

Marriage should liberate, not incarcerate. Real love shouldn't limit a person's potential, it should expand it.

For me, boviscopophobia is an even stronger motive than semi-agoraphobia for staying on the ship when we're in port.

You can count on Errol Flynn, he'll always let you down.

To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct.

By using violence to subjugate one another we are using violence against our own souls.

We know more about soils of Mars than about soils of Africa

So there you have it, a lifetime of first smelling the books, they all smell wonderful, reading the books, loving the books, and remembering the books.