Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame.

Wine is just a conversation waiting to happen.

Never face facts if you do you'll never get up in the morning.

The best physicians are Dr. Diet, Dr. Quiet, and Dr. Merryman.

If you want to play a game, go to where it's played and find a way to get in. Things happen when you get in the game.

Only within yourself exists the other reality for which you long. I can give you nothing that has not already its being within yourself. I can throw open to you no picture gallery but your own soul.

Nevertheless, whether in occurrences lasting days, hours or mere minutes at a time, I have experienced happiness often, and have had brief encounters with it in my later years, even in old age.

Charles Dickens was an avid seeker of names - he read directories and looked for odd names on gravestones.

Order is one of the needs of life which, when it is satisfied, produces a real happiness

Though we speak nonsense, God will pick out the meaning of it.

I don't require movies to be about good people, and I don't reject screen violence.