Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Happiness comes from loving and giving

Passion is one great force that unleashes creativity, because if you're passionate about something, then you're more willing to take risks.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

We who have been true readers all our life fully realize the enormous of our being which we owe to authors.

People take issue with individual aspects of Wikipedia all the time. But it's kind of hard to hate the general idea of a free encyclopedia. It's like hating kittens.

Amsterdam is like the rings of a tree: It gets older as you get closer to the center.

There is no prodigy in our profession. If you see all the great singer of the past, none of them are.

Sometimes the child in one behaves a certain way and the rest of oneself follows behind, slowly shaking its head.

See the ball; hit the ball.

An individual citizen cannot protect himself from the powers of large corporations or external governments. It is the responsibility of the government to protect its citizens.