As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

A movie is not a movie, it is a potential nuclear furnace of inspiration, courage and conscience.

People who are easily embarrassed – those who blush too often and too soon – usually end up retreating from excellence.

you could wait to do something for God, but if He waited to do something for you, you couldn't finish reading this sentence...

In SLA management, you think services, see SLA, hear SLO, perform SLA management.

I think you're the grumpy Kid in the Hall, I'm the nice Kid in the Hall.

I don't feel any pressure to lose weight - and in any case, if I didn't have my food I'd be a nasty piece of work and wouldn't be able to function.

Lexicographers may be nerds who don't like human contact, but we're still people.

I am fascinated with criminal law because it is as rigorous as a poem and because it is based on what has been written down even before one has committed a crime.

I still have great faith in what is good and right in all of us.

A story comes to you; it isn't like you choose it. You have no real control.