Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Every time you ask for forgiveness, you declare that your life does not belong to you, but has been created for the purpose of Another.

Morality is the clipping of a bird's wings.

That's part of being a real citizen: always questioning your leadership, not only about what it is doing in your own country, but what it is doing elsewhere. Because it is connected.

Optimism is inevitably the last hope of the defeated

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

There is no free market for oil. It's controlled by a cartel, OPEC.

A lot of times you see really good-looking guys on TV and you sort of assume that maybe there's some sort of vacuity behind them.

I don't blame Bill Maher for mocking religion. I can see why he took the trouble to make the movie. In one sense, it's overdue.

To appear on the stage drunk, to have them leave there and remember me making drunken mistakes, that was death.

Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow.