Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

In crime and enmity they lie Who sin and tell us love can die, Who say to us in slander's breath That love belongs to sin and death.

I'm exhausted trying to stay healthy.

People are either good or they're not. Religion doesn't make anybody good, I don't think.

Science fiction tends to be philosophy for stupid people.

I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.

It's not what you do that matters. It's not what you say. There's nothing that is not holy or spiritual. Be beyond definition, beyond categorization, be absorbed.

Because it corresponds to a vital need, love is overvalued in our culture. It becomes a phantom - like success - carrying with it the illusion that it is a solution for all problems.

I like friends who, when you tell them you need a moment alone, know enough not to stray too far.

Sacred cows make great hamburgers.

You're not what you eat; you're what you believe about what you eat.