Witty Funny Quotes

Witty Funny Quote of the day

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Television has made dictatorship impossible but democracy unbearable.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

I have read your book and much like it.

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

How can I lose to such an idiot?

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.