Humorous Quotes
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.
Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.
The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
The stupider the regime the more intelligent the people get and the more humorous.
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.
'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.'
I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.
Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic.
The Americans are extremely gadget minded people and American gadgets have a peculiar characteristic: they work.
Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.
Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow.
The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.
Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.
I said in my earlier book, and find no reason for retracting my statement, that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit to Israel.
Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.
The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.
The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.
There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "
He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.
It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.
Good wine needs no bush, And perhaps products that people really want Need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.
Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there.
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America"
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget's corpse doth lie, she is at rest - and so am I!
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his
A footman may swear; but he cannot swear like a lord. He can swear as often: but can he swear with equal delicacy, propriety, and judgment?
