Humor Quotes

Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.

They said they respect me, which means, their judgment is crazy.

Can you squeeze me into an empty page of your diary and psychologically save me?

How can anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is ME.

It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.

I'd go to the end of the world for my husband. Of course, if he'd just stop and ask directions, I wouldn't have to.

She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.

When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to understand how Anarchists must feel when the bomb goes off too soon.

If you meet an angel, you will have not peace, but a fever.

Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor.

You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.

So much good, so much evil. Just add water.

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Never talk back to a teacher. Teachers are like God. Actually, teachers are God's boss.

Hypotheses like professors, when they are seen not to work any longer in the laboratory, should disappear.

By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many.

Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.

Do you have a little white dress? I've had this deep-seated nurse fantasy about you, Murphy.

I do not scruple to employ mendacity and a fictitious appearance of female incompetence when the occasion demands it.

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.

You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.

Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?

Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Not that I haven't leaped up into the blinding light of competence now and then. It's sustaining the altitude that defeats me.

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.

As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.

When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

If you've never been in a dumpster coated with industrial waste while someone stabs you with a piece of sharpened rebar, then you probably wouldn't understand.

Forgive me, Your Grace. Are you suggesting a woman is some sort of … piece of fruit to you? One squeeze, and you know if she’s ripe?

Playing with fire Kitten?

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.

Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction.

I'm being ironic. Don't interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it's not polite. There!

As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.

I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

I started out of course with Hemingway when I learned how to write. Until I realized Hemingway doesn't have a sense of humor. He never has anything funny in his stories.

Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.

An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.