Humor Quotes

I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?

Jace shook his blond head in exasperation. "You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?

My rapier wit hides my inner pain.

Even I, as sick as I am, I would never be you. Even I, sick and depraved, a traveler to the grave, I would never be you.

It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

You see, in this country are a number of youths who do not like to work, and the college is an excellent place for them.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Llarimar had told him to do his best. That sounded like an awful lot of work. Unfortunately, doing nothing was beginning to seem like even MORE work.

Robert Todd Lincoln, a.k.a. Jinxy McDeath.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

He's one fry short of a Happy Meal.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Mathematics education is much more complicated than you expected, even though you expected it to be more complicated than you expected.

And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid.

Had I been present at the Creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.

Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.

Gradually my whole concept of time changed until I thought of a month as having twenty-five days of humanness and five others when I might just as well have been an animal in a steel trap.

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.

If women were as good as men they'd be a lot better!

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.

I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.

In less than a year, the Bush administration will strut out of office, leaving the country in roughly the same condition a toddler leaves a diaper.

Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.

I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.

A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

This book was written using 100% recycled words.

...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.

I have a head for business and a body for sin. Unfortunately, the sin appears to be gluttony.

Piece of Heaven?" "No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking.

But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.

TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.

You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.

Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey.

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.