Humor Quotes

This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.

You is getting nosier than a parker.

Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!

molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.

Really now: If you can't get me my newspaper on time, how can you expect me to refrain from killing people?

You aren't really old until nothing is fun enough to make you forget the weather.

The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.

Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. "Don't worry: I won't let you fall off." "Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?" Brianna tossed it to him. "In case you fall off.

So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?

All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?

For someone who'e smarter than a supercomputer, sometimes you're a real idiot.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

If it weren't for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.

We have truth in order not to die of art.

High School. Society’s bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life.

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

Death should take me while I am in the mood.

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake.

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Can you define "plan" as "a loose sequence of manifestly inadequate observations and conjectures, held together by panic, indecision, and ignorance"? If so, it was a very good plan.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

Want to have a short phone call with someone? Call them at 11:55 a.m., right before lunch. They'll talk fast. You may think you are interesting, but you are not more interesting than lunch.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don't want to spend it arguing with you.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else's box of matches

I'm told I'm very charming when people do what I want.

Why do you work so hard to make yourself disliked? I should think you'd find it happens enough on its own without putting yourself to any extra trouble.

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.

Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty?

Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children.

And I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife.' Well Mr. Go-And-Do just went and did!

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).

Time makes fools of us all. Our only comfort is that greater shall come after us.

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.