Humor Quotes

Well? Is it true? Did she?""Did she what?""You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?

Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones.

Hey, Carlos, " the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?""It sucked.""Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks."It really sucked, " I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word.

Now what state do you live in?''Denial.

What are you talking about?" Narcissus demanded. "I am amazing. Everyone knows this.""Amazing at pure suck, " Leo said. "If I was as suck as you, I'd drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

Oh, of course, " said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.

Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?" Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed."Huh? No. I mean, I don't know, " Claire said." Massie said through her teeth.

See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?”A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

I just rely on natural talent, " said Adrian, strolling up to the start of the Dragon's Lair. "When you have such a wealth of it to draw from, the danger comes from having too much.

Hey, our hair's the same color, " I said, eying us side by side in the mirror."Sure is, girlfriend." Eric grinned at me.

From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Bones has always been smart, " I muttered. "His intelligence was just camouflaged under a mountain of p**sy."Cat

Right, " Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.

Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

I still can't believe, " Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.

I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again... I came in through the window... Still, the intent was clear, " said Edward.

I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.

You're a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable.

You can swim, too." he says. "Where did you learn that in District Twelve?""We have a very big bathtub.

I called Vee."How are you doing?" I asked."Good. How are you?""Good."Silence."Okay, " Vee said in a rush, "I am still totally freaked out. You?""Totally.

Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..

Down in the water, Octavian yelled, “Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!”“Tempting, ” Percy called down.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

We're actors — we're the opposite of people!

Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later.

Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off, " he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.

James - "Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?"Elizabeth - "Oh, I'm definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me.

Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?

She would've been a good woman, " said The Misfit, "if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.

Room service? Send up a larger room."]

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?' Gargarin hissed.'The first one. I really resent being called the second.

I am not sure I trust you.""You can trust me with your life, My King.""But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.

Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!

What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.

I feel ill, " [Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die.

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason, so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

Sigh"?"Eye roll

Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.

Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister, " which is easier done than said.

Do you love him?"There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.

Kira: L, do you knowGods of deathlove apples?L: Damn you, Kira...

I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway.""While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid.

To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems

Check out that one at the end. He's taken the form of a footstool. Weird...but somehow I like his style.""That is a footstool.