Humor Quotes

I like to write when I feel spiteful. It is like having a good sneeze.", November 1913)

You like them, " I realized.Noah's eyebrows lifted in question."Like as people.""As opposed to...furniture?""They're my PARENTS.""That is my understanding, yes.

I can still kick your pony-lovin' butt with twice this much pain."Thomas shrugged, "I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now.

Do you answer a question directly?""Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again

I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”“Yes, they do that, ” said Dumbledore.

Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look..." Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt. "Leave your cloths on, Tori, " Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. "Please.

Leo, ” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel, ” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither, ” Leo admitted.

How do you feel right now?" "I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.

Can you enter a house uninvited?""No.""Why?""That would be rude.

Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. “Open it!” Leo yelled again.

Dont ruin my balls!" She laughs as the words leave her mouth.Better yours than mine, chica." I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I've got none left.

Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.

I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.

I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.

A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?""Is that including, or not including you?

She shrugs."Men""Men.""If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all there?

Tacos.""Tacos?" I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.""I know what a taco is!

Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.

Caliph Vathek and his dark hordeAre bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!Your faith in me will be restored—Unless this token you find untowardAnd my poor gift you have ignored.

Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor

The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.

Where I come from, we're more about efficiency, ' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.

Either you go to America with Mrs. Van Hopper or you come home to Manderley with me.""Do you mean you want a secretary or something?""No, I'm asking you to marry me, you little fool.

Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!

Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You have a very open relationship with your fans.""Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.

I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself.

...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.

Ack!" I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.

Percy was getting tired of water.If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.

In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.

How long have you been with Raphael?”“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.”-Venom and Elena

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

What makes you think that Valentine's change of plans had anything to do with your brother?" "Because only Jace can piss someone off that much.

Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”“Dumb luck, ” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

Come on guys, you cant fight like this forever""Actually, " Simon said, raising his hand, "I can".Jace made a weird noise and I realized he was trying not to laugh-which by the way, wasn't working.