Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

The paths carved by the divine carpenter into her palms are actually treasure maps showing the way to heaven.

And that reminds me, Mama! I have just intercepted another of that puppy’s floral offerings to my sister. This billet was attached to it.” (Charles)

Something I've really enjoyed learning more about is course design.

My prayer to the Lord every day, is this-I have been a great sinner. I do not deserve Heaven. Let me stay here.

I tended to do a lot of shows that were ahead of their time and didn't run very long.

Games are all about taking risks.

Make all fair allowance for the mistakes of youth.

‘Is it a boy or a girl?’ There is a great answer to that one going around: ‘We don’t know; it hasn’t told us yet’.

I always like to play with a lot of color. Color is great.

Gambling operates under the premise that greed can be satisfied by luck.