Humor Quotes

Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

The blind see what they want to see.

I have long admired Caroline Leavitt's probing insight into people, her wit and compassion, her ability to find humor in dark situations, and conversely, her tenderness towards characters.

It's odd how violence and humor so often go together, isn't it?

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

I think there are probably just as many adults who would miss the humor of my books, if not more, as there are children.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I can say that. I have a television show.

I did whatever it takes to do stand-up. There is an abundance of material in struggling and poverty and trying to make it. There is so much humor in that, it's unlimited.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

You can't just yell jokes at people.

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

I've known Don Mancini for 22 years. We're dear friends. I know his humor, I know his mind.

Humor is necessary - it allows the reader to come up for air before dunking them under again. I need humor and I need it on the page to keep the reader going.

I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

I don't want to have so much humor [in films] that it undermines the jeopardy, but enough to sometime relieve tension.

I think up until the point when we started in the business, which was in the early 70s, most of the humor was political. The smart humor was political satire.

And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor.

I think a lot of ex-addicts. They find a lot of humor in what they did because they lived through it.

We go where our deepest desires take us.

For doing comedy, a sense of humor is a must!

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.