Humor Quotes

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

In a way, I feel that film roles haven't given me the opportunity to show I have a sense of humor.

Rosemary Rodriguez directed on Rescue Me for us, and I love her. She's fantastic with actresses and she's got a great sense of humor. That was a huge thing for me.

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Don't buy the toys that make the noise!

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!

I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

10 years ago, I would've host Saturday Night Live. But to me, the show has declined. For some reason, humor isn't what it was. It just, to me, it's not as funny as it was, not as sharply satirical.

When you're in Hollywood, you get sort of jaded about what you think the sense of humor of Hollywood is supposed to be, so you can't think outside the box.

Many true words are spoken in jest.

I think the biggest influence on the book, as far as the humor goes, comes, at least indirectly, from the men I worked with in the paper mill. Some of them could make a dog laugh.

I think I've learned that if you want to be successful, you have to tell your story honestly and from your heart - and I think a healthy sense of humor doesn't hurt either.

I know there's a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Humor is the harmony of the heart.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

Girls want to be with guys who have a sense of humor-it makes them far more attractive to us.

I didn't have all the expectations and the publicity. It probably made me work harder and learn more. It was a blessing in disguise.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

I do pauses, pauses work for me

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

You look like a horse in a man costume

You exaggerate your own reactions.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.