Funny Quotes

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.

The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.

Isn't it funny how something that will later be a blessing can be a curse if you get it too soon.

I've come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

A girl should have two things: a smile, and a guy who inspires it.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

People might look at you a bit funny, but it's okay. Artists are allowed to be a bit different.

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.

I think pimp, therefore i am.

Mind is never a problem. Mindset is

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.

If you believe in Odin and Thor, people laugh themselves to death. While it's okay to believe in a man who turned water into wine, and walked on water

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

I've been to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It's a tower, and it's leaning. You look at it, but nothing happens, so then you look for someplace to get a sandwich.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.

Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Christ has not only spoken to us by his life but has also spoken for us by his death.

Better to live a day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep

In order to be a realist, you must believe in miracles.

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight.