Funny Quotes

That is the problem with comedy in India. Spoofing sells. Come up with original comedy about the hilarious nation we are, with funny accents and odd rituals, and we get into trouble.

No one's dream job involves a kiosk.

My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.

Forget the Bible, the greatest argument against human evolution is a YouTube comment thread.

I didn't understand how funny this play Much Ado About Nothing truly was until I became an English teacher and had to teach it. There is no wittier dialogue anywhere.

Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were overly fascinated with soaring armpits.

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.

Clinton cannot possibly win in 2000.

I would like to do something modern and possibly funny.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

Labor Day is a holiday honoring those who work for a living. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday honoring those who cannot stop talking about their work.

It's funny, particularly when you're a writer and you're doing well, you have that sense of like, "Oh! My view of the world is the one that's going to be published."

I do think of emotions as being on a circular path, so you can feel terrible and terrible and terrible, and then all of a sudden it becomes quite funny.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

I can say that. I have a television show.

It's funny, because I'm a man of strong opinions and when I make one, I stand by it even if it starts to appear incorrect to me after a while.

My job is summer camp. I come and talk and try to make a TV show funny.

Time will mellow it, make it a moment for laughter. But now it was not funny, now I did not laugh. It was not the future, it was the present. It was too vivid and too real.

If you think I'm one of the people who try to be funny at breakfast you're wrong. I'm invariably illtempered in the early morning.

Its funny - when you look at the real A-listers nowadays, look at how many live in and around Hollywood. Most of them live on a ranch in Utah. Its no coincidence these guys get in and get out.

The police never find it as funny as you do.-T-Shirt

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas")

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

You have to be careful on the deck, because of the "hatches," which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.

There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane."

The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property.

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.

In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.