Funny Quotes

I don't think Aaron Sorkin can write a character who isn't really funny.

The world of Ultimate Spider-Man is funny. I can't imagine a live-action film where he's Principal Coulson and dealing with some of the pranks from these guys.

I also found it funny to think about blackness as the second person. That was just sort of funny. Not the first person, but the second person, the other person.

She wasn't just beautiful. She was like the sun coming up: coming up giggling. She was giggling as if she had just remembered something funny.

I'd like to do a film which is funny.

I’ve read a lot of scripts and I’m really luck to be able to play a woman who’s funny and can be charming and has a mischievous side to her as well. I’m really lucky.

I'm a big comedy nerd, so I'm always looking for the chance to be funny.

It's funny because I consider myself a musical scavenger. What that means to me is that I usually avoid feeding on the fresh meat. I kinda go for the meat that's kinda been forgot for a while.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.

The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.

The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.

So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.

An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming.

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.

Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.

The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'

To know that one knows what one knows, and to know that one doesn't know what one doesn't know, there lies true wisdom.

It’s funny – my married friends tell me all the time, 'What you have is so much easier.' When you’re doing it on your own, you don't have to [argue over] how you're raising the kids.

My favorite show is America's Funniest Home Videos. People will get hit on the head and I feel bad cause I'm laughing my head off!

Funny how a wife can spot a blonde hair at twenty yards, yet miss the garage doors.

It's funny, because I never think of myself as Little Miss All-Together.

Funny how the last thing we want the world to see is almost the first thing to show.

I love kids; I think they are fun and funny.

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

It's not funny when you actually get shot, but afterwards, yeah, it's funny.

... nothing broke my heart like the slow death of a shared joke that had once seemed genuinely funny.

A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.

It was funny, though, the things you didn't learn about people until after they died.

One thing you can't pretend to be is funny.

Beautiful women must think about their beauty as capitalists think about their investments or politicians about their majorities; it is all they have to insure their places in the world.