Funny Quotes

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.

Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.

Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.

Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.

What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

It's funny; recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child.

San Francisco has a flowers-in-your-hair kind of vibe, while Chicago's got this very funny, big-city/small-town coolness to it.

We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion.

I've observed a few things about the few really great people I've had a chance to meet and cover...They need to be around people. You and I require sleep. They require people.

Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goalo.

The Republic-of-China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time

It's a battle with himself and with the ticking finger of the clock.

A truly international field, no Britons involved.

And there's no "I love you" message because Steve Ovett has married the girl

Some names to look forward to - perhaps in the future

We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds behind

And with alphabetical irony Nigeria follows New Zealand

The late start is due to the time.

Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58.89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen.

I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

I still think that, hopefully, you're not ahead of the jokes, and I think that has value. There is a punchline and it's pointed - and, again, whether you think it's funny or not, that's subjective.

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

Linda Brewer's example is inspiring, colorful and potentially very funny. Her journey also exists firmly in the Heartland tradition of American success stories and comedies.

For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow

The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised - to notice that there is something funny going on.

On some level in acting, what you're trying to find is truth, because when it's true is when it's also funny.

We all have to die some day, if we live long enough.

I spent 11 years at 'The Daily Show,' and I learned everything there about how to write funny, how to write funny on topic.