Forget the Bible, the greatest argument against human evolution is a YouTube comment thread.

It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes

Rappers shouldn't have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.

No one's dream job involves a kiosk.

Paul Ryan looks like the car rental salesman who bullies you into getting full coverage.

Before taking the stage, Paul Ryan spent 6 hours staring into a mirror working on 'concerned eyebrow.'

My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.

My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.

In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

When you love someone, you can just live without it. You desire to connect and communicate.

I look up, and Jackson's eyes find mine. For a second, it almost feels like we're about to race into the hole to join you. Being buried alive has got to be better than whatever comes next.

I stay out of politics because if I begin thinking too much about politics, I'll probably... drop writing children's books and become a political cartoonist again.

More than a hygienic method of disposing of the dead, cremation enabled lovers and comrades to be mingled together for eternity.

The great modern heresy in poetry is to confuse the use we make of words in a poem with modalities of speech...For true poetry is never speech but always a song.

Gracious Lord, oh bomb the Germans. Spare their women for Thy Sake, And if that is not too easy, We will pardon Thy Mistake. But, gracious Lord, whate'er shall be, Don't let anyone bomb me.

My main expertise is in the past, but if I have to extrapolate into the future, I would say: no good news any time soon and an obvious exit strategy is not apparent to me.

It made perfect sense, and at the same time nothing seemed to.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.