My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.

It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes

Rappers shouldn't have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.

No one's dream job involves a kiosk.

Paul Ryan looks like the car rental salesman who bullies you into getting full coverage.

Before taking the stage, Paul Ryan spent 6 hours staring into a mirror working on 'concerned eyebrow.'

My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.

Forget the Bible, the greatest argument against human evolution is a YouTube comment thread.

The perfect is the enemy of the good.

The what to do can be taught

The Church says: the body is a sin.Science says: the body is a machine.Advertising says: The body is a business.The Body says: I am a fiesta.

I have a nightmare about Tony [Blair] and Gordon [Brown] killing each other. Not every month, but now and then. I also have a recurring dream about losing.

To invent something you have to be removed from the world. In order to have liberty to imagine something better, you need to step outside for a while.

What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. Your answers lie inside of you.

I overcome failure by doing it again and trying not to make the same mistake.

There's nothing like throwing up out a bus door, going sixty-five miles an hour.

The thing that makes me happiest about Simpsons Illustrated are all the drawings that we get from readers. I wish we could print them all. They're really imaginative. They show a lot of hard work.

I think magic is very related to happiness. So it is not there all the time, but there are beautiful moments of magic in everyone's life.