Funny Quotes

Acting is easier and smoother than singing - it's less drama.

I don't just try to be funny.

Time goes by at such a pace,it's funny how it's easy to forget her face

In terms of my own behavior and activity, the funny thing about regrets and saying "I'm sorry," is that there's so much I would do differently and want to do differently moving forward.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

This shed does not contain me.

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine that vein a lot. This isn't just common to me; it's anybody who's funny.

I'm not funny in person. I mean I'm really not. I'm one of those people who always screw up anecdotes.

I don't want to go and start trying to make jokes in places like India, Tanzania or Iraq. Afghanistan is not a funny place.

In a funny way, nothing makes you feel more like a native of your own country than to live where nearly everyone is not.

If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.

I have to make small adjustments, but I can't change too much. If I'm worrying about that stuff too much then the show isn't as funny.

Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job...Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

Today's parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.

If the audience knows you can be funny when you want to be, they will be willing to wait for that payoff.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I can't stay mad at Pope Frank. I just can't. It's a funny situation that I like the pope and Mel Gibson doesn't.

Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.

What a pathetic play from a pathetic human being.

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

I just plug in and let go.

I would really love to do a musical, I don't know in what capacity but something funny.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

Usually the intention of the artistic effect is too sophisticated for most people to understand, sort of like a joke that they don't get so they don't think it's funny.

A good artist is willing to die many times over. What's funny is, I've died so many times.

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.

The camera guys can't mess up. God bless them, they hardly ever do. But they literally don't know what's going to happen next. None of us do. And it all has to come together and be funny.

There have been man-on-the-street interviews for years, but insulting people is not that funny to me.