Funny Quotes

Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

When you're on a staff, it's not your job to write what you think is funny. It's your job to write what the person who created the show thinks is funny.

My town's quite small and you kinda recognize everyone when you see them, so I definitely get funny looks from people.

Sugar Ray Leonard's retirements last about as long as Elizabeth Taylor's marriages.

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

He took his misfortune like a man - he blamed it on his wife.

I try to have all my characters have a sense of humor. To me the most interesting thing is a desperate character. I think desperation is funny.

Writing is very difficult. You have 120 pages of blank paper and it's like, "Go fill that up with some funny stuff," and that's challenging.

I would have given my right arm to have been a pianist.

The margin is very marginal.

Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least it's not an awful body count - it's a fun body count.

I loved writing for the school newspaper. I liked to report and interview people, but I really liked to write columns, funny columns.

Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it's a weird thing that people keep trotting out.

I love writing with Adam Lambert. He's really funny and very fun, he's a great friend.

It's just funny that anybody would care at all to take apart the words that I write. It's kind of cool!

I love 'Goodfellas' because it's a great movie - it's funny and there is action at perfect points. I just think Martin Scorsese makes everyone look really cool.

Personality is a real aphrodisiac, when somebody is charming or funny. I think certain jobs attract certain types of people.

I absolutely admit I had him in the handcuffs so he wouldn't go anywhere while I checked the computer... I certainly wasn't going to kill him. That's hardly going to do my career any good, is it?

[Arnold Schwarzenegger] is funny. Some great one-liners, some great banter between him and the contestants [on "The Apprentice" ]. And he's good!

Well what's funny is, again, people say they believed what was going on, but again, Bob's hands are about three times bigger than his feet. So these are very caricatured.

So if you see a star and he needs a little money So come on baby give it to him this isn't funny! Just reach into your pocket, and pull out some change, Come on baby help a star it's not strange!

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

I found out if you're a funny guy, a lot of people like you.

There are things that I won't joke about, but it's not because I don't think they're funny or they can't be made funny. It's just that they don't fit my particular skill set.

I'm funny because I'm funny. And there's more to offer.

Now, I've gotten to the point in my career, I'm 13 years in, to where I know that I'm funny. I know that I'm good at this.

It's so funny that people specify that year because in a way it was the biggest battle for me health wise.

The only good teachers for you are those friends who love you, who think you are interesting, or very important, or wonderfully funny.

That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.

You cant be a casual observer of something humorous - you have to engage, you have to find it funny for the relationship between actor and audience to work.

Bill Prady and Chuck Lorre, the guys who run that show [Big Bang Theory], are really funny and really smart, and the cast is fantastic to work with.

You know what's funny about movies? You can watch one, and then you watch it again at a different stage in your life, and you understand different messages from the same film.

I think that life is very dark at times and there are things that are very funny about that.

I'm not someone who shies away from darkness being funny.

Gross things sound funny and set people up to listen to something a little uninviting.

I think it's a lot richer than what we call fleshy improv, I think it's very funny, puppet improv and fleshy improv.