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Bill Burr Quotes

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Bill Burr Quotes: "Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?"

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?



Bill Burr Quotes: "Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog."

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.




Bill Burr Quotes: "God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?"

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?



Bill Burr Quotes: "Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking."

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.




Bill Burr Quotes: "Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure."

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.



Bill Burr Quotes: "My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious."

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10."

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.




Bill Burr Quotes: "I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in."

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into."

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet."

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.



Bill Burr Quotes: "What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?"

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?



Bill Burr Quotes: "Deny your emotions and act like you have answers"

Deny your emotions and act like you have answers




Bill Burr Quotes: "I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today."

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I don't feel like it's a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren't bought and paid for like the Clintons."

I don't feel like it's a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren't bought and paid for like the Clintons.



Bill Burr Quotes: "A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small."

A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small.



Bill Burr Quotes: "There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy."

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's motherly instincts."

I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's motherly instincts.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?"

Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?



Bill Burr Quotes: "The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me."

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are."

Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint."

I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.



Bill Burr Quotes: "There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head."

There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed."

I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.



Bill Burr Quotes: "You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober."

You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful."

Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I'm one of those guys like whatever the situation is, as long as people are cool and everybody is trying to be funny, I have a good time."

I'm one of those guys like whatever the situation is, as long as people are cool and everybody is trying to be funny, I have a good time.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don't like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it's good."

I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don't like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it's good.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?"

I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?



Bill Burr Quotes: "I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people."

I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people.



Bill Burr Quotes: "You wanna know how you know you're informed as a protestor? They don't show your interview on TV."

You wanna know how you know you're informed as a protestor? They don't show your interview on TV.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him."

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy - if they start to like you, they'll get a project going and call you in."

I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy - if they start to like you, they'll get a project going and call you in.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I was certified to take x-rays, but you can't just show up and start cleaning people's teeth."

I was certified to take x-rays, but you can't just show up and start cleaning people's teeth.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Podcasting is great. Total freedom."

Podcasting is great. Total freedom.



Bill Burr Quotes: "If this goes into sweatshop labor, I'm quitting this podcast."

If this goes into sweatshop labor, I'm quitting this podcast.



Bill Burr Quotes: "As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know?"

As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know?



Bill Burr Quotes: "Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He's the coolest. I've never met The Rock though."

Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He's the coolest. I've never met The Rock though.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel."

Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.



Bill Burr Quotes: "You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody."

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.



Bill Burr Quotes: "My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I dont like it is when Im off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half."

My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I dont like it is when Im off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge."

Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show."

I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage."

I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.



Bill Burr Quotes: "I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. I'm good flying up to four hours, but anything past that, I want to kill myself."

I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. I'm good flying up to four hours, but anything past that, I want to kill myself.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Well probably the coolest show of that whole tour was in Germany. I had a chunk of material on [Adolf] Hitler, and I was worried about how they'd react, but they loved it."

Well probably the coolest show of that whole tour was in Germany. I had a chunk of material on [Adolf] Hitler, and I was worried about how they'd react, but they loved it.



Bill Burr Quotes: "Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live."

Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live.



Bill Burr Quotes: "There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career - it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet."

There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career - it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.



Bill Burr Quotes: "People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you're a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is "looking for". Just say what you think is funny. ."

People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you're a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is "looking for". Just say what you think is funny. .



Bill Burr Quotes: "Against these two [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] I would [vote], but I never voted for [Barack Obama]. I always voted third party - the ones who say their gonna jail the bankers."

Against these two [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] I would [vote], but I never voted for [Barack Obama]. I always voted third party - the ones who say their gonna jail the bankers.