Funny Quotes
It's funny, a lot of people think I take myself seriously because I come off so serious sometimes. But it's not that I take myself seriously, I take what I do seriously.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.
Until now, until I actually got into law class, I just never thought of it as being an interest for me, but it's really funny because now that I'm in law, I'm like 'Wow, I could be a lawyer
It's funny, I write lyrics in a bizarre way - I'm always writing lyrics, mostly when we're traveling or walking around New York, that's when I'm writing most of the stuff.
My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.
What's funny is we were doing some fire at work the other day and it was reminding me of all the firework I got to do as Havok, because a lot of that was as practical as you could get.
A lot of people that are always trying to be funny and "on" and performing are just hiding. It's just a cover for what they really are and how they really feel.
Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, funny events, but some of these haunt the more complex stories for older children too.
If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.
Comedy clubs can be brutal. Those people are for real, and if you aren't funny, they aren't laughing. They don't care who you are.
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
In a man, I like funny guys. A guy who doesn't have a lot of therapy, who's mature. A man, not a boy.
I'm a sucker for a funny script. And then, as soon as I don't wanna be, one comes along and grabs me.
I was a Democrat before I was a Republican before I became an independent and I never changed my principles.
I enjoy making people laugh. The trick is to tell them jokes against yourself. If you praise yourself, your stories aren't funny.
I know what I would do if I were coach. I'd determine our strengths and weaknesses and utilize them. And it's pretty clear what our strength is.
Eddie Murphy is just so off-the-cuff and can make anything funny. You hope that someday you'll acquire that skill, but maybe you're born with that.
It's funny the more technological advanced everything gets, the more like acting in your bedroom when you're a kid it is.
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks - to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.
So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.
What's funny about my group of friends is that none of us ever went to the same school. None of us lived in the same part of town.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't.
